Nepotism- we’ve all benefited from it!

When the unfortunate news of rising cine star from my home town Sushant Singh Rajput allegedly committing suicide broke, it eclipsed everything else that was going on in the country. The tragic development affected us all in unimaginable ways. Predicated on our value system and level of awareness, we took to it differently. The news cycle gave way to many streams and theories; the most prominent among those were:

1) Mental health -

Depression - Popular celebrities, from all walks of life, came forward and spoke about their stories of struggle and then triumph over the ailment. Which was very reassuring and I found it brave, especially because in our otherwise evolved society mental health is still a taboo. We surely need open and frequent discussions on it. And it helps when public figures spread awareness. Bipolar disorder also caught the public eye. As someone who has studied human behaviour, I found it pleasing (the discussion, not what had happened).

2) Nepotism -This is when the events took an ugly turn. The poster boy of Nepotism Karan Johar resurfaced, with him Salman Khan and others; the entire '12th fail but popular and rich' gang invaded public discourse. Growing rage against them on social media and drawing rooms became insane. The tone and the tenor of the discourse became very sad very quickly.

"The usual ban him/jail him/ kill him" - killed the mood!

I do not have access to the objective truth or the forensic details of the crime scene so I would not like to loosely speculate, on what might have transpired on that fateful night. What I do know that whatever happened was not good, we can't conclude it in any other way.

My condolences to the bereaved family and I wish the departed soul eternal peace.

News cycle has moved on to other topics but I am stuck on the 'Nepotism and favouritism' debate with myself. It is a complicated matter, I could not form a firm opinion on it in the last 40 days. Partly, because we have more in common with the victim than those who are being accused of having abetted his suicide, that is what I began with. A fit of anger gripped me, the social arrangements looked like an old set of Amitabh, the angry young man who is out there to fight the immoral ‘system’ rising from the filth of poverty and deprivation. It is an easy stand to take. After all, it does not take a lot of work to demand the fashionable banning of the rich because someone with lesser privilege was coming out to be the victim, in this unfortunate incident.

Of course, my socialist upbringing was nudging to launch me into the streets. But I know that the majority is not always right and the popular view is almost always based on emotions and not rooted in facts. So, I gave my rush a rest and refrained from placing my views about the disaster in public, just yet. I wanted to think it over, over and over again - covering all bases, as it were. 40 days and a couple of hours of sleep sacrifice, later, I'm ready to participate in the raging debate.

बुरा जो देखन मैं चला, बुरा न मिलिया कोय, जो दिल खोजा आपना, मुझसे बुरा न कोय।

Kabir came to my rescue and I started analysing my journey to see if I have ever benefitted from nepotism and favouritism, in any way, shape or form? And I find that I have indeed gained from the social evil and as it turns out, quite substantially. All of us are a result of our circumstances and circumstances come out of our surroundings, the one that is constituted of our family, our friends our finances and our followings. Allow me to put before you an example, to make an argument.

Scenario 1 - A child is born in Damascus, Syria and is raised there. She learns to sketch and by the age of 10 creates impressive graffiti on the broken walls that pulls passersby to stop, watch and admire, her creations.

Scenario 2 - A kid is born in Notting Hill, London, England and is brought up there. She learns to sketch and by the age of 10 creates magnificent graffiti on pavements which entices walkers from around the world into stopping by, to watch, absorb and admire, her brilliant creations.

Try to analyse these circumstances, on all accounts, the girl in Syria will score better. Simply because she was born in a region where staying alive means taking every step being mindful of land mines and drone strikes. ‘Surviving’ each day there is an achievement in itself. There is a very high possibility that she either had one parent or perhaps grew up an orphan, she could be malnourished and does not know of a day in her life when blood-stained bodies did not cross her path. It won’t be wrong to guess that she could have taught herself sketching and draws because she has nothing else to do. We can’t be sure if she knows, different food items that are categorised as breakfast, lunch, and dinner - for her whenever food presented itself, it was time to eat. She is perpetually hungry and always in grave life-threatening danger.

Let’s contrast her case with the Notting hill kid. She lives in one of the best cities in the world in a developed economy. She wakes up to a busy street lashed with all the riches of the world; She hears about the latest video games and trending clothes. She does not eat Dark chocolate because White has her taste. She does not know what it is like to be hungry, to miss a meal or to be uncomfortable. Even if she is not from the top 5% of the city, she still has a room to herself, in a centrally warm apartment. Working and loving parents watch over her. She reads poetry and dreams of going to the mars one day. For her, walking out is a safe routine exercise - she sees parks full of jumping kids and an ocean of colourful toys. She goes to an elite school and is friends with kids from other happy homes. Her parents chose drawing as a development routine for her and she is aided by her painting teacher. Every time she sketches something interesting, she is greeted with compliments and praises. And chances are that she has also appeared in the local newspaper and radio shows.

Both of these talented kids are at the same level of craftsmanship and expertise - but will both of them end up the same way with their prowess? We know, they won’t

Talent is universal but 'opportunity' is not.

There is every possibility that Syrian kid if she does not die, will live a mediocre life of poverty and the Londoner could grow up into a globally revered and celebrated artist!

Can we hold one kid responsible for misery or success of the other? No!

Is this a fair world? No!

I recommend that you read “winners take all" by magnanimous, Anand Giridharadas. Our world is rigged inherently to favour the privileged and no one person or group is responsible for it. You might find it odd but human intelligence is to be blamed for it. We compare, and those who fair better or have more of what is considered valuable are acknowledged and labelled superior. The anointed superior takes charge and then creates a world to suit thier design. What follows is a repeat of the same rule. A couple of billions of cycles of repetition later and we are here in our current state of the world. It has its flaws and its flashes of brilliance both - signified on where we are at on the relevant scale of accepted value norms, we face life one way of the other.

We despise those above us and the ones below us in the value chain loathe us - that is the way of the world! This is not to say that injustice does not exist, it does. The fact is that every social misdoing is rooted in inequality.

Social structure is flawed and I see very little hope for it to get corrected because the infection runs deep and it gets more intense with every run of the day.

Nepotism, is a real thing and it is pure evil; but it is everywhere, even in our homes! Because most of us aren’t successful with fame or wealthy to the point of a stink, our biases do not become the talk of the town. We’re a deeply racist society that wears red tape as a badge of honour. It must CHANGE! It starts way early in our lives even before we know to spell the word or understand its meaning, let alone comprehending its implication on the society. I will give a few examples from my own life.

1) Back in school, if it ever happened that I had not done my homework, most teachers dropped registering school book remarks for non-completion for that day. Teachers loved me, consistent grades could have been the reason or something else, I do not know but the fact remains that others were discriminated against.

2) In the cafeteria, the guy on the counter prepared our order as we walked in, and in the process, he delayed the orders of the students who had placed their requests, even before we entered the facility. Why, because my friends and I looked a certain way, which he considered, ‘good boyish’ - that is it.

I will not list, other examples because it is beginning to sound narcissistic.



Fast forward, in the corporate world too, rules do not change by much.

Workplace favouritism is real but I don’t think that I am qualified to criticise it, because I’ve been a direct beneficiary of it, for most of my work life. Many of my supervisors have given me a little ‘extra’ and some of my team members are apple of my eye too. So how do I critique it without being hypocritical?

The thing is that no opinion is free of biases! Yes, we talk about data-based decision making and of rationality but we often avoid to mention, ‘selection of data’. Criteria are rigged to favour 'the selected' by those in the position of power, it is an open secret. I’ve to confess 80% of occasions in my life I’ve benefited from nepotism & favouritism. The other 20% when I was on the wrong side, it felt ‘funny’ like ‘tax’ on income. Whether we like it or not; an awful lot gets predisposed on the day of birth. The family and place of birth, economic conditions, and social stability of the region you grow up in -these either favour you or stifle your chances of success in the real world.

Should we let this hazard continue unabated? No, change is overdue.

Whether I’ve been fair in handing out rewards is for others to decide, I can’t be on the jury of my own case. But I wish to say that I actively try to not let my disagreement with someone become the reason for me to disqualify the dissenter. I don’t know how well I do on it but I do try. But at the same time let us not forget that nepotism can put someone on the stage but to win an audience the feet on the podium will need ‘talent‘ -so, learn, read, work on your craft; that is the only way to shine.

Don’t stop at accumulating information, convert intel into knowledge by putting them to practice. Don’t worry, about those who do not like you, you don’t need them all. Money, affluence and privilege can buy ‘comfort‘ and thankfully comfort is not seen as ‘success‘ by most even those who are not particularly gifted by way of intellect. You gotta sweat in the gym and then get beaten blue in the ring a few times before wearing the belt that reads your name in GOLD. So go hustle!

DREAM BIG, plan for them and act. When things do not manifest themselves as per your liking- sing!

कल अगर न रोशनी के काफ़िले हुए प्यार के हज़ार दीप हैं जले हुए देखा एक ख़्वाब …

And then DREAM AGAIN!

Remember for every Trump there is a Barack Hussain Obama. The background is not everything. When the all-powerful British empire ruled, Gandhi rose to the occasion to take down the oppressor. But both, Gandhi and Obama could win because they were both qualified men. Merit might take time but it prevails in the end, Knowledge is the currency of our century and however unjust the world might appear, unprivileged Abdul Kalam works his way up the ladder ringing the wheels of knowledge when the opportunity presents itself.

In this unjust and unequal world, investing in your skill is the way forward. When learning shines distractions and difficulties like nepotism fade in the background.

Till we meet again.

Negotiation, Change & Conflict!

I’m certain that most of you will agree when I say, negotiating from a position of bureaucratic strength is easier - hold on to this thought, I’ll come back to it. Let’s spare some time to understand why does the need for negotiation arise? Should it not be bypassed in the interest of speed of execution & judicious use of time? When you dwell on that, you’d realize that we live in a word that is largely inter-dependent... no ‘one’ person is really the in-charge, and if that is the case .. the possibility of the emergence of views of various varieties is real.There can be similar, divergent, contradictory, contrarian, complimenting, condescending and even conflicting viewpoints at times. Any perspective in its entirety is never really about the aspect alone it also always carries the propagator with it and there lies what I call the ‘nessecity’ for negotiation.

For nearly a decade and a half that I’ve been working professionally, have been part of many negotiations to give you a ballpark number roughly about 6K, the arithmetic of that is, 200 intense working days in a year with 2 negotiations each day for over 15 yrs ; ok, hold on, not each of them have been of great consequence. Some have been as flimsy as which color will the wall have, who should represent the org in charity dinner etc .. other have been more intense to do with, approach, structure, technology, cost, careers and sometimes even life-saving decisions (BCP scenarios). Cumulatively, each of them has had an impact on me. It will be unfair if I say, I haven’t evolved from them. I’ve from each one of them and I continue to learn. Here it is important to point out that I haven’t won all of those colloquies; have won a few, lost a couple and have been pragmatic on most - such has been my scorecard. It’ll be safe to assume that I’m not the most successful or even tier 1 negotiator of my herd.  

I’m a great believer in ‘change’ for what I consider is for the larger good, I’ve always valued doing the right thing, remaining ethical and have almost always rejected any and all attempts of bullying .. not getting intimidated by favourable position of the person who holds the desire to ‘not change’- has been one of my key strengths. This stance has given me moments of glory and also gloom, perhaps in equal measures. To sympathize with it, you’ll have to understand that people who advocate passionately for ‘change’ actually unknowingly sign a memorandum of understanding which says, “I understand, I’ll not be popular.... I know, I will be misquoted, misunderstood and even seen as someone who is on purpose trying to oppose, create conflicts". Let us be mindful, every change actually means additional work for those impacted by the change and people inherently are not wired to accept more undertakings (95% aren’t, and that is the reason why only 5% of all the human race is spectacularly successful). 

Alternatives aren't too many : you can choose to drift with the flow, remain sweet, agree all the time, smile effortlessly and have a peaceful life the other extreme is think, suppose, air and oppose & then propose what you think is correct and then add passion and arguments and data and sometime muscle of support to make it happen. The 2nd choice is effort intensive .. it can be excruciatingly demanding, you’ll have to be ready for the uncalled for flake and fire that will come your way and most importantly your going will not be smooth. You basically trade .. short term peace for long-term contentment. I see that as a smart deal ( but then that is just me, I’m not as smart as I might claim ;) ) 

The debate fundamentally is about signing up for a ‘value’ and committing to it in its purest form. For example, I haven’t seen one person or one organization that says we do not want to accept ‘integrity’ as our value. You’d hear everyone on record saying we are ‘ethical’ to the point that no compromise on standards is our abiding faith. But then when the choice is thrown open on a day to day basis, not everyone shows the courage to say no to a sum of money or reward that they consider lucrative. Some people may slip for a few thousand, some for lacs and other will swing only when the deal presents millions, billions etc. Then are we to conclude that our world is dominated by hypocrisy? 

No, It is not all that bad .. actually!

For people in the right frame of mind with a decent upbringing and sufficient education, signing up for what is ‘right’ is never the unnatural choice. But when practicalities are brought in the scope .. decisions start siding towards the different 'shades' of being ethical. On the philosophical plain things are not as complex but real world comes with not only weird circumstances but also a scarcity of resources and time. Every decision that you have to take in business and also in your life has to be equated with its cost .. if you have the money, you’d like to spend it and when you do not have it and the need is pressing … some people, societies, and organizations budge! Then the argument changes to things like ‘Law are archaic, regulations are unfriendly, we have to survive in the cruel world - so we do what we gotta do. Fair enough .. do it .. but then have the gumption to admit it if not in public at least behind the closed doors or better yet to the mirror that you must hold yourself to. But these are strategic decisions .. on a tactical level however one must always try and do it ‘right’ for the resources that it demands are mostly time and effort and not so much incremental cost.

Ours is a diverse society, our upbringing is democratic, all of us particularly love to express our ways so conflicting views will come - there will be a need for a truce! After careful consideration, I’ve put together these three ingredients to effectively deal with situations that surface when you push for change. Let me repeat, I'm not the voice of authority on this subject. If anything I’m a novice!

Patience & Persistence - When the range is tall, climbing takes not only long preparation but also a lot of time in the act, not many scale the Mount Everest. When the goal is meaningful it demands a lot of time and effort, case in point, Indian freedom struggle wasn’t a weekend tea party. It took, over 2 centuries, millions of people working relentlessly to make it happen. I can write another 2000 words on it .. but I think the point is made in 2 minutes all you will ever get is an illusion of maggie noodle. If you believe in something you have to be persistent, pursue it strongly and be ready for all of its ill effects. For instances.. people who would have naturally liked you will generally take a lot longer to know you well. Some will hate you because persistence is also nagging in the eyes of those who you have to pursue it with. It can have serious implications too: 

If you work - that promotion may get delayed .. actually may not come also.

If you are a politician - You may have to lose a few elections. 

If a writer - You may not sell enough .. immediately.

But eventually, it will work out - India attained her independence. Madhushala got its due though after the death of its creator. Good thing will happen .. you gotta wait .. and keep working .. things will work out.

Just try and be as sweet with it as you possibly can.

Be ready to be unpopular: People who push boundaries every day are not popular, actually they are hated .. not everyone will bring it up in as many words but then subtle clues are enough for you to know that you are not really liked. A life surrounded by hatred is not easy. When peace gets disturbed it demands double the energy .. triple the passion to make things happen. But it is ok, eventually, history will be kind to you. Tougher victories are always sweeter than the easy ones.

Hope: I won’t dwell much on it .. for I have written extensively about hope .. you can read those articles, they are floating free on the internet. You have to remain eternally faithful that things will improve one day for sure.

Progressive change is imp and you must do everything within your reach to make it happen, all the conflict and difficulties that come with it must be taken with a pinch of salt. Let me end with this amazing piece of art by the great Dushyant Kumar

I’d like each one of you to be that:

हो गई है पीर पर्वत-सी पिघलनी चाहिए,इस हिमालय से कोई गंगा निकलनी चाहिए।

आज यह दीवार, परदों की तरह हिलने लगी,शर्त लेकिन थी कि ये बुनियाद हिलनी चाहिए।

हर सड़क पर, हर गली में, हर नगर, हर गाँव में,

हाथ लहराते हुए हर लाश चलनी चाहिए।

सिर्फ हंगामा खड़ा करना मेरा मकसद नहीं,

सारी कोशिश है कि ये सूरत बदलनी चाहिए।

मेरे सीने में नहीं तो तेरे सीने में सही,

हो कहीं भी आग, लेकिन आग जलनी चाहिए।

- दुष्यन्त कुमार 

Have an awesome weekend!

Failure, a roll of the dice!

As we enter into the final week of 2017, I have to thank you for your continued support, I had not hoped to cross 7K on readership, so soon, but we did, 7056 to be precise ( till 24th Dec 3:45 PM). It has been a great year for me. Early this month, I sent out emails to randomly selected returning readers/commenters to ask them if there is a specific topic on which they’d like to hear from me. I received 347 responses, studied them to ascertain that roughly 86% people hinted at hearing on “failure”!

I thought a great deal about it .. re-lived most of those moments when I encountered failures and what transpired from each of those events and how life kept changing, sometimes irreversibly. I also got drawn into thinking how would life have been without those moments of failure, for a brief while that thought felt really nice .. and I did get seduced into devoting more to a failure free life but as I scratched the surface a little, I realised that my thinking had quietly shifted from being realistic to wishful, a few hours later, the idea almost appeared unreal to me and then I jogged back to my failures again to gather all that I had learnt from my own falls.

A day and a half with these thought & I got fairly certain, that my life wouldn’t have been what it is today ( could be better, and I’m working towards it) had I not failed. I tried looking at it a little more dispassionately, separating emotions from the core issue or the event. Most of my failures started to make perfect sense, then.

Come to think of it .. life is only a tad better than roll of dices more so because one thing leads to another. If decisions operated in isolation, failure & success wouldn’t have mattered as much, but because life is a series of events one coming after another in a logical and progressive sequence - each event is indeed imp. 

Let’s accept this - Shit happens! 

Don’t you agree? As much as we would despise failing; we all do once in a while, ins’t it? 

Everything counts, from you letting the snooze button win most mornings to you not choosing right things to eat or loosing to your own lazy self and thus missing on your exercise routine. Even in areas which are more formal in nature, lets say an investment tanking or an assignment flopping big time - We’re in a way a sum total of these!

Let’s open it up a little. Failure often times is considered bad, expect for that fact that is not always so. Some failures actually propel us to a progressive future, enables us to make amends and move on with our life just fine and even those which do not really make us into something better at least leave us with a better understanding of who we actually are. 

Both successes and failures start at a decision .. irrespective of the size, impact or even the context, a decision is always the starting point.

I like to think of life as a puzzle and each decision as a block in that massive build up that spreads itself across a stretch as long as a lifetime.The choices that you make lead you in a certain direction, remember nothing is absolute- your wrong could be someone else’s right, our lives are interconnected more interestingly then it may  appears to us. We keep moving forward each day a little irrespective of us failing or succeeding - because that puzzle called life, knows one thing and that is how it would like itself to get concluded. While it may seem like you hold the console but for the most part .. you actually get played.

No one I know has it figured out completely .. nor do I have it completely within my grasp but what I do know is that no one ever walked this earth without failing more than a couple of times, at things, they today are successful at. Failure really is the GPS to success, in ways more than one for those who really desire to succeed. 

Life will never be free of failures .. there will always be victories and losses. All of us will have to not only put up a fight for a seat at the table better yet try work harder to get to the seat at the head of the table. So long as there is life .. there will be struggle and so long as you struggle .. possibilities of meeting failures will be there.

So what you really can and should do is to think of an approach towards dealing with failure. The questions is to work towards a strategy to make these stumbles rare and too far and few in between by being meticulous, sincere, alert and above all careful. 

I wish for you to succeed but if life catches on .. you could make use of these three tips.

1. Quitting too early is uncool: Quitting is easy but not fun. In more than half of the occasions where I have chosen to be persistent, I have succeeded. Even in the face of most strongest opposition and most unfavourable of the circumstances you sometime have to just hang in there. You can’t finish first without being in the ring for longer!
2. Regard for Rejection: We give in, because we face rejection, sometimes even from people who we trust & look up to. Rejections can’t be the reason to give up on anything, what you need to pick up from it is the clues to change, to get better. You need to work your way thru rejections. Our world is not always very warm but it does get kinder to those who handle rejection gracefully. Validation is not as valuable as you may think. It is ok for some to not understand you or your plan as well as you do. Offer a nice smile and move on.
3. Future is not a mere repetition of past. - Everybody commits error, the important thing is to learn from them. Because you’ve failed in the past .. you shouldn’t try in the future is the most unwise advise that you’d ever get. If you care for it .. go for it! Let not failures of past limit your ability to carve a future full of success. You can change the pattern.. if you really want to.

If you ask me .. it is a constant struggle between the below two.

1) Desire to succeed

2) Fear of failure

There will be times when these two mingle into each other and become inseparable, you have to remember - nothing defines you better than your will. Law of averages applies to everything and it will caste its spell on you too, you will stumble, you will fall, you will get knocked down sometimes in the face and hard - it is all part of the procedure.

Fear and failure is part of life, the trick is to recognise it as a fact ; you’ve to give strength to your desire to succeed and in that long journey take a few failures here and there with a grain of salt. Nothing great has ever been achieved overnight. If you wish to succeed be ready to be in the middle and fight it till you knock your opponents down.

You real opponent is “failure” - deal with it. 

Gather yourself & stand again - for it is worth it.

With that I end this.. wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy new year 2018.